Mommy State of Mind: A Window into my HEART

As we are within weeks of Giada's arrival I thought I would share the mess of emotions I go through each day. Seriously, one needs a map to navigate my heart. It is my hopes that with our next baby, God willing, I can read back through this blog and either A) laugh that I was so nervous or B) be reminded that I had the same emotions the first time and everything turned out okay!

I think I feel over 25 emotions each day, but there are 5 that stand out and speak the loudest. So here is my heart as I prepare for the arrival of our sweet baby girl.

1. Anxiety: Yup, worry. I have it and I have it bad. It is the fear of the unknown. For me it revolves mainly around labor and delivery. When is it going to happen? How? Where? What will I be doing? Who will I be with? Will I be able to have a natural delivery? Will I be induced? Need a c-section? I feel like someone is in my head hitting the rewind button every half hour. I calm myself down by looking around at all the women who have delivered babies. I got this. I am as tough as the next. Then there is the other end of the anxious feelings; the longing I have to finally meet her! What will she look like? How much will she weigh? I can't wait to hold her in my arms...I can barely stand it! These are the anxious emotions I want, the excitement of it all. Somehow, they must balance each other out because each day I get by, one foot in front of the other (with much prayer).

2. Tested: This ties back into my last emotion of anxiety. I have always been a worry wart. It is in my nature, I can't help it, I want to, but it is my daily sin. This pregnancy has been God's way of testing me further than I ever thought possible. There is nothing worse than being pregnant, wanting to lather yourself in the joy of becoming a first time parent and hearing sad, horror stories of babies born not healthy, or spending time in a hospital around sick children, or losing loved ones. I know God is asking me to trust Him, lean on Him, I am not in control, He is, and He is good all the time. Like I said, I fail at this test every single day, but I am trying and I have confidence at the end of this I will have grown, I will have learned a lesson and I will be better because of it.

3. Blessed: To be able to carry a baby, to feel the kicks, the movement, to now feel her little foot jab in my side...what a blessing. There are things I know I am learning about our sweet Giada while she is in the womb. For example, she needs her own space. If the dogs lay on my belly, or I rest my arms on my belly she will let out a jolt of a kick to let us know that's her space...move out! I can only laugh because it sounds just like her momma. I love my own space. Then there is the blessing of all the out pouring of love we have received from people. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those of you that have been by my side through this pregnancy. Those that have called at least once a week to check in, see how I am feeling, ask how my doctor's appointment was etc. Then there is the blessing of my husband. I always knew he was wonderful. He spends hours in Buy Buy Baby with me, listens to all my worries (and assures me all is ok), has put together numerous baby items I keep hauling through the door and the list goes on and on.

4. Scared: Okay, so I make it through delivery (which is scary in itself), we take our sweet newborn home...then what? Will I know what to do? Will I be a good mother? Am I prepared (I guess as much as I will ever be)? What do I do if she won't stop crying? I can read as many books as I want but it doesn't mean I will remember what to do or that it will work! Fevers, baths, clipping nails, feedings, waking up at night! I know we will figure it out, the beauty of it, we will do it together. I know that we will have help from our parents and friends. I know it will all be okay. We will just put one foot in front of the other and keep on going!

5. Love: My favorite emotion. I feel showered in love. I feel love for Giada and Jason. We love this little girl with our whole heart. The best part...everyone says once she is here it is a love you have never felt before. You mean it gets better? Bigger? Bring it. Through these past 9 months Jason and I have grown closer, my love for him has deepened. I have seen him in a different light already. I know he is going to be the best daddy in the world, he will be wrapped around Giada's finger, she is so lucky. Jason has the biggest heart, when he goes in, he goes all in, he does everything full out, This will include being a dad. I can't wait to watch him and fall deeper in love with him as I watch him with our baby girl. I will be driving along in my car and a song will come on the radio, a song that has become my favorite, and every time I hear it it brings tears to my eyes. All I see as the words come through the speakers is Jason with Giada. So sweet. It is Darius Rucker, "It Won't Be Like This For Long." I posted the song below...enjoy!